Harry Potter and the Magic Flea
by jimmania
Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione meet Hagrid's latest find...the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers!


Harry Potter and the Magic Flea  
  
  
  
Ron Weasley stared mournfully at the remains of his wand.  
  
"I'm going to murder Neville for breaking it," he announced, waving the two pieces in each hand. "That's the third one this year."  
  
"It's not his fault," said Hermione. "You left it on the chair."  
  
"Well he should look before he sits down," said Ron.   
  
Hermione tapped the huge book she was reading. "There's a chapter on wand regeneration in here," she said. "You put the two halves of your wand in a basin of water and set it by your bedside. Then you concentrate all night on the wand repairing itself, and by morning it should be whole again."  
  
Ron peered at the cover of the book. " Theories and Practice of Mental Projection," he read aloud. '"We're not scheduled to take that class for 2 years."  
  
She grinned. "I'm getting a head start."  
  
"Good to see you're finally concentrating on your studies," smirked Ron.   
  
At that, Harry Potter burst into the Common Room. His hair was even more untidy than usual, and his clothes were covered in mud.  
  
"Another confrontation with You-Know-Who?" said Hermione, not looking up.   
  
"Yeah," said Harry, pulling up a chair. He groaned at his torn, filthy garments. "Every time I fight him I ruin another robe."  
  
"Maybe you should bring him a laundry bill," said Ron.  
  
"I think I will," said Harry. "Perhaps when I confront him tomorrow..."  
  
Suddenly there was a wooshing sound outside. Hedwig flapped through the window and set herself on the table in front of Harry. He patted her on the head and took the message she carried. "Maybe this is from Voldemort, telling me where to meet him for our next showdown."  
  
"SHHH! Don't say it!" hissed Ron and Hermione.  
  
Harry smiled and placed the letter on the table for Ron and Hermione to read:  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Harry-  
  
  
Would you like to come round for lunch? Bring Ron and Hermione. I want to introduce you all to my new pet, Flea.  
  
--Hagrid.   
  
"Terrific," sighed Ron. "Another addition to Hagrid's menagerie."  
  
"At least it's a small one," said Hermione.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Hagrid was waiting for them outside when they came down the hill, a hyperactive Fang running circles around him.  
  
"Glad yeh could come," said Hagrid. "Wait until yeh see him, he's amazing!"  
  
  
"Where did he come from?" asked Harry.  
  
"Probably jumped off of Fang," said Ron.  
  
"Nope," said Hagrid. "Found him in Hogsmeade over the weekend. Bought 'em a butterbeer, and the next thing I know he was following me home."  
  
Hermione frowned. "You bought a flea a butterbeer?"  
  
"He really liked it," said Hagrid, opening the door and ushering them in.  
  
Ron's jaw dropped. Harry stared, speechless. Hermione gasped and clamped a hand over her mouth.  
  
For standing before them was a man. He was holding a bass guitar. His slender body was covered in tattoos, and his only clothing was a carefully placed white tube sock.  
  
Hagrid beamed at them. "Meet Flea."  
  
"H-hello Flea," stammered Harry.  
  
"Hagrid, he's disgusting!" squeaked Hermione.  
  
Hagrid's face fell in disappointment. "But he needs me," he pleaded.  
  
Ron stepped over and stared at Flea, who grinned at him maniacally.   
  
"Hagrid, do you really think that Dumbledore will let you keep this...thing on school grounds?"   
  
"He's very tame," protested Hagrid. Flea continued to flash his psychotic grin, causing Hermione to step back and stand behind Harry.   
  
"And he's magical," continued Hagrid. "Harry, can yeh turn on that equipment in the corner?"  
  
Harry looked over to where Hagrid was pointing, and noticed, for the first time, a bass amplifier. Shrugging, he turned on the power.  
  
Instantly, Flea's entire body began to gyrate wildly, his head bobbing violently as he pulled and plucked the strings of his bass. The noise was so deafening that Ron was compelled to pull the amplifier plug out of the wall. Instantly, Flea stopped gyrating, his head drooping to his chest.  
  
"Ugh!" cried Hermione, who dashed out of the cottage, slamming the door behind her.   
  
"Hagrid," said Harry calmly, "I think Flea is liable to frighten the other students."  
  
  
  
Hagrid sighed and sat down, clearly disappointed at their reaction. "I suppose yer right,' he said. "So, what do yeh think I should do with him?"  
  
"Give him away?" said Harry.  
  
"Now?" added Ron.  
  
"I'll think about it," said Hagrid sullenly. "Meanwhile, do yeh think yeh can do me a favor? I have to go to Diagon Alley this afternoon...do yeh think you could...?" He smiled hopefully.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Moments later, Harry, Ron and Hermione were marching back to Gryffindor Tower, dragging Flea along under Harry's Invisibility Cloak.   
  
"Wish...he'd...stop gyrating," said Ron, struggling to pull along the shaking bass player.  
  
"Why is he jumping around like that?" asked Hermione. "There isn't any music..."  
  
"Maybe he's just having a fit," said Harry.  
  
"Having a fit? He seems to be one big seizure in himself," said Ron. "Honestly, I don't know what gets into Hagrid..."  
  
After what seemed an eternity, they were back in the Gryffindor common room. Flea sat at the table, his head bobbing furiously. In the corner of the room stood Neville Longbottom, a look of abject terror on his face.  
  
"What are we going to do with him?' said Ron. "We've got Professor Stipe's class in 20 minutes."  
  
"We can't leave him here," said Harry, who was feeding Flea a Chocolate Frog they had bought in Hogsmeade.   
  
"We'll just have to bring him along," said Hermione.  
  
"Are you crazy?' said Ron.   
  
"We'll just use the Invisibility Cloak," she replied.  
  
"It won't cover up the loud grunting and funky bass riffs!" said Ron.  
  
"Do you have a better idea?" asked Harry.  
  
Suddenly, Draco Malfoy appeared in the room, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
"Hello, rejects," sneered Malfoy. Crabbe and Goyle, as always, said nothing.  
  
"Malfoy!" hissed Harry. "Where did you get the password?"  
  
Malfoy grinned and motioned to the pathetic mess in the corner.   
  
"Neville!" screamed Ron.   
  
"He made me tell him," gasped Neville. He backed away and fell into a chair, breaking Hermione's wand in the process.  
  
"Oh great," groaned Hermione.   
  
Malfoy skulked over and peered at Flea. "What's this, Granger, one of your failed experiments?" He tutted at her. 'Of course, what can you expect from a Mudblood?"  
  
After rattling off a slew of obscenities that he really shouldn't have been familiar with, Ron turned on Malfoy and shouted, "Why don't you just scurry back to your Tower?"  
  
For reasons unknown, Crabbe and Goyle sniggered, then turned to leave.  
  
"Where are you two going?' growled Malfoy. '"I give the orders around here."  
  
Suddenly Flea smiled at Malfoy, gesturing for him to come closer.  
  
"What do you want, freak?' asked Malfoy, bending his ear close to Flea.  
  
At that, Flea grabbed him by the collar. "SUCK MY KISS!" he shouted.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle screamed and ran from the room, a startled Malfoy at their heels.  
  
Flea grinned at Harry, who found himself smiling back.  
  
"Maybe we should keep him as our mascot," said Harry.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
Next to Professor Snape's Potions class, Gestures and Incantations with Professor Stipe was the most dreaded of all the courses at Hogwarts. Unlike Snape, it was not because Stipe was a difficult man; rather, it was due to the fact that nothing he ever said made any sense whatsoever. Even Hermione found herself slamming shut her notebook in disgust.   
  
"What does he mean, 'I've got my spine, I've got my Orange Crush'?" she had protested on the first day.  
  
To make matters worse, the students had found their notes actually changing from day to day; they would copy something down only to find that the next day it had, of its own accord, rewritten itself to say something completely different. When questioned about it, Stipe simply shrugged. "I change my mind every day," he replied, innocently blinking his eyes, which were always surrounded by dark blue eyeshadow.  
  
"I think he's a bit funny," Ron had mumbled at the time.   
  
Today, Harry, Ron and Hermione filed into Stipe's class with the extra burden of Flea to worry about. They bundled him into an empty chair and took seats around him.  
"Please don't burst into song until after class," whispered Harry. Flea nodded vigorously, nearly knocking off the Invisibility Cloak in the process.  
  
At the front of the room, Professor Stipe called the class to attention. "Today I'm going to show you how to summon a demon," he said calmly.  
  
At that, several students left the room. Neville Longbottom got sick in his bookbag.   
  
"That's the first thing he's said that I've understood," gulped Ron. "And I don't like it."  
  
In typical fashion, Stipe refused to explain further. He simply put on dark glasses, opened a large old book on his desk, and began chanting.  
  
"Eye of the Hurricane," he intoned. "Listen to Yourself Churn...No Ocean Flower Aquarium...I'm Pushing an Elephant Up the Stairs....Calling all In Transit...That's Me in the Corner..."  
  
"Should we be copying this down?" whispered Hermione.   
  
"Come to us," Stipe continued. "Join Us, He Whose Name Cannot be Mentioned..."  
  
Suddenly the room went dark. There was a horrible, deafening roar, and a terrible face began to form in the front of the classroom.  
  
"Oh, lovely," said Harry. "Stipe has summoned Voldemort."  
  
  
"DON'T SAY IT!" hissed everyone in the room.  
  
"What's the point , he's already here!' retorted Harry.  
  
"HARRY POTTER," roared Voldemort.   
  
Stipe was gathering his things. "He's right over there. I'm out of here. It's the end of the world as we know it!" With that, he fled, leaving the class to face The Dark Lord.  
  
"Harry Potter, I killed your parents!" boomed Voldemort.  
  
"I know!" Harry boomed back.  
  
"Good," said Voldemort. "Now get your 'Batman' on and seek your revenge!"  
  
  
"I will!' Harry leapt off his chair, but quickly found himself frozen in midair. It was as if some unseen force had him in his grip. He felt invisible fingers tighten around his throat.  
  
"Ron, Hermione...help me!" croaked Harry.  
  
"How?" said Ron. He and Hermione shrugged, holding up their broken wands.   
  
"We're doomed!" screamed Neville, who this time got sick all over Fred Weasley.  
  
In an instant, Flea whipped off the Invisibility Cloak and leapt up. He stood on a desk and, bass in hand, turned to face Voldemort.  
  
"No! Not that!" shouted the Dark Lord.  
  
And Flea proceeded to play 3 solid hours of in-your-face-funk. It was amazing. Eddie Vedder and the Edge even joined him in the encore for a searing rendition of "Higher Ground." And at the end of the show, Voldemort was gone.   
  
Harry and the others gathered around Flea, who was grinning broadly. "You saved us, Flea!" said Harry.   
  
Even Hermione was impressed. "So what do you think of Flea now, Ron?"  
  
"He could have played more from Blood Sugar Sex Magick," said Ron.  
  
Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall rushed into the room.   
  
"Well done, Harry," said Dumbledore. 'You've managed to expel Lord Voldemort for the 6th time this month!"  
  
"I had a little help," said Harry.  
  
"However," said McGonagall, "for holding a concert without a permit, 30 points will be deducted from Griffyndor."  
  
"Oh you," said Harry. And everyone laughed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
